Just a few years ago, Apple advertising was nonexistent. Occasionally, I heard that they had a new ad out, but I rarely saw it. In fact, the only ad that I really remember was the infamous Performa infomercial. In case you've never watched cable television from 1-4 am, Apple used to run a half-hour ad showing just how happy the entire family could be with an '040 and a… ooooh… 2x CD-ROM. I loved how grandpa used the Performa to email prospective dates (read: pick up chicks). Overall, the ad was pretty good for an infomercial, but just like the rest of Apple's entire marketing strategy… it sucked.
And then came Steve Jobs (insert angelic theme music now), and Apple has once again littered the small screen with innovative and to-the-point ads… They're pretty cool and effective, too, considering that their largest competitors spend more on marketing than the GDP of six European countries.
 
I'm the Boss, Need the Info…
"So what the heck is this column about?" that guy in the back yells oh so emphatically. To that I say "Sit the crap down and have one of those Piña Colada Slurpees available at your local 7-11" (unless you live in Gainesville, Florida — the only location on the planet with everything but a 7-11). Despite the fact that Apple is making great ads and informing the public about the advantages of their G3s and iMacs, that latest Homer Simpson/Intel ad proves that we've entered the latest era of computer advertising. Finally, everyone owns a computer except those people who don't need one, want one, or understand how to turn one on. Apple needs to capture that market because those people appreciate the concept of a coffee table iMac (attractive from all sides) and aren't particularly proud if they are the only ones who know how to use their computer (believe me, I know a few of those "Dude, I've developed a 47 character password so no one can change my MineSweeper high scores while I'm gone!" kinda people). So with all of this in mind, here are a few concept commercials for Apple to run with.
 
Snap into an iMac!
Apple hasn't jumped onto the wrestling bandwagon yet. I know that I'd be entertained by a 300 pound guy body-slamming a Dell Tower… or the Bunny Suit guys. Imagine the great clash as heavy-metal-induced, steroid-pumped, ex-football players take on the disco-lovin' pastel-colored, cleaning-room sterile engineer wannabes in the center ring. Apple can follow this up by offering new case designs based on your favorite wrestler. This can be expanded later for sports teams and cartoon characters (like a JohnnyBravoMac!) and of course NASCAR (how can you not like a sport involving hot chunks of tire rubber hitting you in the face as you sit in the stands). Of course all of this this would culminate with wrestler interviews. They'll talk about how they will crush the Bunny Suit guys and their mothers, too. Perfect for cable? No, I mean cable "TV"… what the heck were you thinking?
 
Forget Homer!
Intel picked the wrong Simpsons character to be their spokesperson… they should have picked Krusty the Klown! Apple needs to pick up this fumble and run with it. I can just see it now… "Heeeey kids! Who the heck decided that all mice have to be for right-handed people!" Isn't Krusty left handed? What do you think George? Next, Krusty would pull down some trusty projector screen and demonstrate the exquisite design of the hand- ambiguous mouse! This would mobilize the entire left-handed public to action… buying Macs and suing anyone who makes right-handed mice standard. Maybe that would even influence Wacom to make a left handed drawing tablet. :-)
 
Use talking Animals…
Every successful advertising campaign and TV series must depend on talking animals at one point or another. Taco Bell has that annoying little dog… Mr. Ed had, well, Mr. Ed… and Bill had Monica. I think Apple could get Catbert to decide, as self-proclaimed leader of the universe, that Macs are the way to go. You see, only pointy-haired people dare defy Catbert and attempt to install Windows '98. Those that did would be publicly flogged… and not in the good way (don't even think about sending me email, Monica). This could be followed up by Scooby Doo and Scrappy trying to outdo Brodie the iMac dog in an iMac installation duel. Brodie has more experience, but the Doos work well as a team… it evens out, you see?
 
More Famous People
You might think that Apple has already overdone this, but there are more dead, famous people out there. There are even living famous people willing to sacrifice pizza for an iMac. For some strange reason, I'd like to see Steve Gutenburg on the TV, demonstrating Mac OS 8.5… maybe I've just seen "Citizens on Patrol" too many times. Apple could also hit upon the "famous people that were never alive" category. I think it was AtAT (open 24/7 at http://www.infoxczar.com/atat/ ) that also suggested Lara Croft. I don't think that it would matter what she sold… I'd buy it. Oceanfront land in Idaho? I'm there.
 
A Nonsense Paragraph or Two (Many)
Well, those are some of my ideas (and a few that I pillaged from neighboring villages). Any of these would beat those "Where do you want to go today" ads which always seem to go like this: "My company makes wooden door stoppers. We've discovered that with Microsoft Windows we can run AutoCad and develop and differently angled wooden door stoppers, and it only cost us $20,000!" Frankly, I can't believe that I found a way to fit the word "pillage" in my column!
By the way, I plan to be at the Orlando, Florida Best Buy (Highway 50) on December 19th, 20th, 26th, and 27th showing off iMacs for Apple. If there are any readers in the area, drop on by and say "hi." If dates change, Erik will update the website (at http://applewizards.net/ ) to reflect the change. Dedicated, hardcore fans (as if there were any of you out there) should check early, check often. Bring rotten tomatoes and we can throw them at the Windows users.
Also, if anyone would like to hear more stories about living Macs, including a Quadra who self-replicated its hard drive in order to survive, Staci at Purdue is doing "research" on such matters at this exact moment (well, maybe not this exact moment…people do have to sleep). Just let us know and we'll hook you up with the goods. No, Monica, don't email me.
See y'all next month: just a year away from Y2Kaos or something (is that a band name yet?). Remember, set your brains back an hour so it seems earlier.
